By Madiha Zaruk I was writing my thoughts about how we Hausa girls in most cases, are raised when a woman walked into my house looking for h...
By Madiha Zaruk
I was writing my thoughts about how we Hausa girls in most cases, are raised when a woman walked into my house looking for help, she comes around from time to time, scavenging for whatever we can give her. I usually gather whatever I have and help.
Today, she told me something that threw me off balance. Her daughter, 23 years married twice had two children but the first child died after suffering from what they called "Mayu" but in most cases is malnutrition.
She told me her daughter became seriously ill and developed very high blood pressure. They took her to the hospital, but they could not afford the bill. The husband either could not or would not pay so he sent her packing. After the divorce, she lost her sight due to mental stress and the high blood pressure
Now imagine this: 23 years old, divorced, with a baby, seriously ill, and suddenly had to dependent on other people for almost everything.
Now, this is exact reason why we need to rethink how we prepare our daughters for life.
We told from childhood: Learn to cook, learn to keep a home, learn to respect your husband and prepare yourself for marriage and nothing else
But how often are we told to get an education, learn a skill, understand money and become productive? Know our rights, build ourself and if your marriage fails, your life does not end.
Because what happens when the husband walks or away dies?
What happens when the marriage becomes abusive or a divorced with children?
Or what happens when her destiny (Qaddara) is never gets married at all?
If all she was taught is how to be somebody's wife, she may spend the rest of her life desperately looking for a man to take care of her. Now that is exhausting, frightening and deeply unfair way to live. Right?
I recently was listening to a sermon by one Malama very famous for her following, about breastfeeding and the husband's rights in that regard. I respect her scholarship, and I am not qualified to debate religious ruling. But it made me think about the realities women face.
What happens when the baby is hungry and the husband is unreachable? She should not feed the baby, rather wait for permission that no body know when it may come? Or let's say the husband died and the child is fatherless who then permits for the milk in her breast hah?
What happens when a mother has to make an urgent decision for her child or her boobs are about to explode and the man says no, it's my milk? Do you know the distress and pain? I am a mother of 4, I know
These are the realities that religious and social conversations must be able to address with context, wisdom and compassion.
A woman is more than a wife, and a child is more than an extension of a marriage. Mothers, teach your daughters how to build homes, but also teach them how to build lives.
Fathers, tell your daughters: “I pray your marriage succeeds. But if it doesn't, you can come home. You will still have a life, a future and a place in this world.” And please, teach our sons too. Teach them responsibility, compassion and what it actually means to be a husband.
Lastly it is most importantly for us stop humiliating unmarried women. She cannot marry herself you know! Don't pressure her, and don't blame her either unless of course there's a tangible reason. And talking and counseling may be a way out
Marriage is not a certificate of a woman's worth, and divorce is not proof that she failed. Some women marry early. Some late. Some marry more than once. Some may never marry.
There is life before marriage, there is life during marriage.
There is life after divorce, there is life after widowhood. And there is life without marriage.
So please, most especially the average Hausa girl let us stop raising the only to become someone's wife, we should raise our daughters become whole human beings.
Because a woman's life does not begin when a man marries her, and it must not end when he leaves. There is life beyond marriage. Our daughters deserve to know this.
Madiha Zaruk writes from Zaria
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